Alone

It`s my last day in Kyoto, and its cold and rainy. I was supposed to go visit Nanzen-ji Temple and walk the Philosophers Path today with a guy from New Zealand that I met last night, but mother nature put a damper on those plans. So instead, I`m just sitting here in my little apartment feeling very much alone. I can`t watch TV, because I don`t understand a word of it, and quite frankly it`s bizarre--I guess I don`t get the Japanese sense of humor, where watching people eat weird stuff is entertaining...but who am I to judge, when the US has such quality shows, like "Wife Swap..."

It`s in these quiet moments, when I can`t just pick up the phone and call home (since its 4am) that I ask myself, "What in the hell are you doing?" The answer...traveling around the world. Which leads to my next question. Why? Because I have the money to actually do it. Why? Because I sold the condo in Salt Lake. Why? Because I am getting divorced.

Oh.

And just like that the reality of my messy life comes crashing down on me, overwhelming. Sure, this is an experience of a lifetime, but I`d change it all in a heartbeat if I could go back in time, figure out what went wrong and fix it. This is the last thing I ever wanted, but somehow I did my part in creating it. Do we do that? Manifest the very things we fear the most so we have to face them and learn how to deal with them? Now, I am fully aware that I cannot be responsible for anyone else`s actions, but I do truly believe that we create most things that happen to us, whether its on a conscious level or not. So subconsciously, I must really have it out for myself...

It`s times like this that I have to believe it is all happening the way it is supposed to. Maybe the lesson I am learning is how to be alone and be OK with it. That giving yourself completely to someone else, although in theory is supposed to be a good thing, really isn`t. It is one thing to be selfless, it`s another to be self-less. It`s terrifying to wake up and think your life is headed in one direction and suddenly it takes a sharp turn and all your left with is you. And who is that? God knows. Apparently, I think the answer is going to be found under a rock in India or something...but really, honestly, I know the answer is right here with me all the time. It`s just facing it, looking at it head on, and then holding on to it, so as to not let it go ever again.

There are so many questions. Is my life going backwards when everyone else`s is moving forwards? Will I be able to do things differently in the future? What if this happens again? What the hell am I doing?

Oh, yeah. Traveling around the world. Looking for me...under a rock in India. Trying to find what I know is there but has been buried for so long. Trying to understand that everything I need, I already have--no other person will be able to give it to me, and if I look to someone to do that, then I will find myself back here all over again.

Alone.