Watch out Bollywood, here I come!

Yesterday Tiff and I were sitting at our favorite coffee place, Moonpeak, doing our favorite thing--monk watching--when suddenly, for a brief few minutes I became a famous movie star. We were sitting at a table outside near the road and there was a group of Punjabi Indian men (looked to be in their 20's) sitting on some concrete barriers that stopped cars from careening over a cliff, across the street. They were not at all attempting to be discreet in looking our way. This went on for about a half hour until one of them, after much discussion and prodding, finally had the courage to approach me. "Can you please take a picture for us?" he asks. Ha! Is that all they wanted? Me to take their picture? They shouldn't have been nervous about that, I was more than happy to...

...maybe it was the language barrier, but that wasn't exactly what they were asking.

Instead, they wanted me to have my picture taken--with each one of them--separately. So feeling utterly amused and quite flattered I obliged, and each one of them came to stand next to me for a very un-candid photo. There was no arm over the shoulder action--nothing. Just me standing there, hands at my side, them next to me, hands at their sides, smiling goofily at the camera. After that was done, I smiled politely and started to make my way back to Tiffany. Wait, but no... they weren't done yet. Apparently they had round two planned--the seated photos. They sat me at one of the restaurant tables and then a couple of them at a time would come sit with me--making it appear that we were actually dining together. (Sans any food or drink). By this time a small crowd had gathered also bemused by the impromptu photoshoot. Finally, after the "dinner" photos were finished, I was allowed to make my way back to Tiffany, with many kinds words of gratitude from the men.

I am dying to know what they tell their friends when they get back to Punjab...I can only imagine.

So, for a brief moment, I felt kinda famous. A little flattered, a little weirded-out, a little violated, a lot embarrassed. But, you know, if I had to, I could probably get used to it... :)

I flew out of McLeod Ganj today and I'm back in Delhi-- and its still hot. But this time proved to be much easier, even though I am by myself. Once you have experienced a city and have some sort of familiarity with it, it is so much easier the second time around. I am staying at the same hotel as the first time, and it's made me realize how good we had it up in the mountains. Tiff and I were paying 3 dollars each a night to have a bed with sheets and blankets, and hot running water--and a view worth a million. Here, I am paying twice as much, to have a room where I will not put my head directly on the pillowcase (I cover it with my sarong or a towel), there are no blankets on the bed (although the aren't really needed) the flat sheets (no cover sheet), although I'm pretty sure are clean, have holes in them, and there is no hot water. I miss McLeod Ganj!!!!

Wow. What a fantastic little treasure of a town it is. It is someplace I'd love to visit again. Next time I would set up some classes beforehand because the town is overflowing with educational opportunities. Massage, cooking, dance, Tibetan, Buddhist, Hindu, music, yoga, meditation, trekking--all types of classes and all very affordable.

While I was there I spent most of my time taking it all in. It's a place you probably need to stay longer than 9 days to really get it, but I did my best. We found our favorite places to eat, hang out, use the internet, explore--and since it is so small, by the time I left we knew all of the people that worked at each place and some of the other regular patrons and we were recognized and greeted by many. We had our favorite Lepers ( many of the beggars have leprosy and are missing limbs) but they are absolutely lovely people, and even if you don' give them money they are always ready with a Namaste and a smile. We saw monkeys pretty regularly, we belly-danced, we attended a Sufi (type of Islam) music concert, we saw a sitar (stringed instrument) and tabla (percussion) concert, had Tibetan massages, went to the Dalai Lamas temple, shopped for beautiful Indian and Tibetan clothes, jewelry, decor, watched a young girl walk a tight rope with no net under her in the middle of the street for money, met a fantastic young Aussie named Tiirum, who is bound to change the world, I had my epiphany...and I finally got rid of all of my ailments. So overall, I think it was a successful part of my trip.

After being in Asia for the last 6 weeks, I am looking forward to Europe. It's crazy, the countries I've gone to and have ahead of me are all so different, culturally. But, there are good people all over the world and Tiffany and I have been really lucky to have met so many.

Namaste, India. Buon giorno, Italy.

Can I getta "Oui, Oui?!"

So anyone wanna go to Paris with me???

I am headed to Rome, London and Stockholm BY MYSELF because Tiff is a punk, and just haaaas to see the Dalai Lama. Spirituality-smirituality...

We both had tickets booked to Rome on the 22nd, but only one of us is going. The other has decided to stay to celebrate the birthday of His Holiness and participate in an introduction to Tibetan Buddhism course and listen to the Dalai Lama's teachings while he is at home (here in McLeod Ganj) from July 6-13. So we will meet up again in Rome on July 14th.

That means I'm traveling by myself again. Which I can do just fine, I just prefer to have someone with me. It's not as much fun to see and experience such amazing things without having someone next to you to say "can you believe that?" But, I'm being a brat, because really, it's me by myself for 4 days in Rome (poor baby, I know) then I am flying to London and staying for a week with my friend Tom, from OU. Then I fly to Stockholm and am staying for another week with my friend Micaela and another, Khari, who plays soccer for AIK, a Swedish team that is the arch rival of Micaela's favorite team, Djurgården. He will have 2 home games while I am there, it'll be fun going to those with her...

I was planning on leaving Stockholm on the 9th or 10th. And that leaves 4 or 5 days before I meet Tiff. I am considering going to Paris. My aunt's brother and his wife live in Paris (she is Parisian) so I'd have another place to stay. But Paris definitely seems like a city that would be nice to have a travel partner. Hmmmm...maybe I'll meet one along the way :)

I spent all day yesterday in the internet cafe. No fun, but I finished one of my midterms. WHEW! It was weighing on me; keeping up with school work while traveling is not an easy task. I guess I'm not as disciplined as I should be. I had planned that I'd study for 2 hours every morning so I'd have the whole day to do whatever it is that I wanted to do. But that has yet to happen. Usually I put it off until right before it's due and read the bare minimum. Which is too bad, because the course work is actually quiet interesting. But it can't hold a candle to what I am seeing outside of the internet cafes.

Mom, I can't stop buying you stuff in this little town--you'd love it. You guys should be expecting a very large package. But you aren't allowed to open it until I get home, or at the very least I have to be on the phone with you. And Happy Dad's Day again, Dad. I haven't bought you anything but I don't think you'll be sad when you see what I got mom--not exactly stuff you'd want.

Speaking of buying stuff. Tiff and I saw a guy wearing a shirt the other day that said "My dad is an ATM" I almost offered him all my rupees for it to give to Tiffany. I've already come close to spending my entire budget and I'm not even halfway through the trip. Thank God for tax returns! I have to shop here though because it is so incredibly cheap and beautiful and I know when I am back in the states and see the stuff at half the quality for twice the price I'd kick myself for not having bought it. And I know I can't shop in Europe cause the dollar definitely doesn't go very far there! It's a weird dynamic seeing these ultra poor people and shopping with reckless abandon. It makes me feel extremely grateful and a bit guilty for having the lifestyle that we are accustomed to. I do very little bargaining here--the dollar we'd be fighting over means a lot more to them than to me. As for the beggars, you have to buy them food and actually open it or else they take it back to the store and get the money back. Sneaky lil' beggars...

Alright, speaking of money, Tiff and I have to go to another town to use an ATM because the one and only ATM here does not work and I only have 40 rupees to my name (a little less than a dollar).

So seriously, Paris anyone? July 9-14? Can I getta oui, oui??

Forgiveness

Right before I fell asleep the other night a thought popped into my head. It wasn't like a thought that I came up with on my own, instead it was like someone else telling it to me. The thought was:

"You did the best you could with the tools you had."

I didn't know where it came from, or really what it was about, I just thought, huh, that was strange and quickly fell asleep. The next morning Tiffany and I went to our favorite place for breakfast. We were sitting there quietly and suddenly tears started pouring out of my eyes. I had no control over it and had no idea where they were coming from. I wasn't feeling sad or upset, or even really happy for that matter. Luckily I was with Tiff, and she didn't think it was at all weird, so she allowed me to cry as I tried to figure out where the tears were coming from and why they wouldn't stop.

Then the thought from the night before came back to me. And it all became crystal clear. For so long I have killed myself with questions like "why didn't I do this differently... how could he do that...why did I act that way...why didn't he understand...why couldn't I hear what he was saying...how could we hurt each other so badly when we loved each other so much?"

...we did the best we could with the tools we had.

We thought we were loving one another--and we were. The only way we knew how. And the way we knew how to love came with a very self-protective element, because, like I've mentioned before, we are terrified of getting hurt. What is amazing though, is the fear of getting hurt is SO MUCH worse than the actual pain itself. So this whipser of awareness that I recieved in the middle of the night allowed me to see that sometimes even when we have the very best intentions we still can't get it right...because we are not yet equipt with the tools to do so.

I don't feel like "if I only knew then what I know now" or "hindsight is 20/20" instead I feel like my life is playing out the way it is supposed to. This little whisper was a BIG lesson to learn, and apparently a very important one for me because I certainly had to learn it the hard way.

So the tears over breakfast were neither sad nor happy. They were tears of forgiveness. Forgivess for him, and more importantly, forgiveness for myself. We made mistakes, but not maliciously, instead,they were out of ignorance and fear. We did the best we could with the tools we had. And realizing that has allowed me to be able to let go more and more, and feel the freedom of this journey I am on.

And the journey I am referring to has nothing to do with traveling...

By myself

For the first time in my life, there is absolutely no man in the picture. Sure, some float in and out...and technically I am still married until paperwork is finished (legally, but certainly in no other way) but for the first time in I can't even remember how long, there are not even any prospects.

This is a somewhat scary feeling. But, apparently it's how it is supposed to be right now. Before I left, I was dating a wonderful guy. Unfortunately, there was absolutely no way for it to work out because I was piling all of the leftover, undealt with stuff from my marriage on to him. Not to mention, he had plenty of personal stuff to deal with himself--and he definitely was not ready for me and mine. Then I met Jeremy. Fell head over heels in a day. Talked myself back to reality, but was still pretty blown away by that one. I had maintained casual email contact with both of them but haven't heard from either of them for a while. At first I was thinking, well this sucks. It's nice to have a "potential someone." That person that you can think about while you are on a gross bus ride or before you go to bed.

Obviously, someone is watching over me saying "hellooo, Maggie--you are absolutely not ready for that. Stop it, stop it, stop it. Take care of yourself, let yourself heal and enjoy the freedom of being able to do whatever you want whenever you want (with whoever you want!)"

It is so ingrained in me that I need to have a significant other. But being on this trip, and seeing what I see on a daily basis, causes me to live in the moment, and not think about the future (or the past for that matter). Then when I realize, wow, it's been days, and I haven't been thinking about a man, or what I am going to do when I get home, where I am going to live (although wherever it is, it's going to be decorated so cute!). I hope when I do return, I can continue to do that. Immerse myself in new things, continue to learn about different people, and try to stay out of my head and work through my fears. We place so much emphasis on finding someone, that we miss all of the beautiful things that happen along the way. It's like relationship tunnel vision. And, from meeting each of these men, I've learned that if you are looking, it's not going to happen. When you are living is when it happens.

Tiffany and I got stuck in Bangkok for 2 days before we finally made it to India. Of course, the day before I left I met a really great guy--Dave. He is Welsh and is adorable. We hit it off, hung out my entire last night there. And this time around it was much easier to say "goodbye, it was fantastic to have spent this time with you, and I truly wish you the best." And if our paths cross again great, if not, fine. Back to me and my quest. When the time is right and I am really ready, it'll happen. I just have to not let the societal norms weigh on me and feel unnecessary pressure to have a significant other. I'm not going to try to fit a square peg into a round hole, just to have someone. I know what I want this time around and I think I have the patience to find it. In the meantime, the Jeremys and Daves are great to meet. There is a part of each of them that I hope to find in "him."

But for now, being by myself is just fine. Being by myself feels very different than being alone.

I fell in love with a monk today

I feel really good. Physically, I am kinda a mess. I had to get some antibiotics today for an infection I have in my toe (blister from scuba diving gone bad) and Tiff and I both still have lingering colds--Delhi didn't help. But this is a different kind of good. A peaceful kind of good, where I know that even though I am tired and a bit of a wreck I feel better than I have for a while. Maybe it's this amazing place we've landed.

We are in a small village in the Himalayas called McLeod Ganj. It is where the Dalai Lama resides and it is a predominantly Tibetan village that the Indian government gave the Tibetan refugees when the Chinese pretty much ran them out of the country. We are staying in a nice room with a beautiful mountain view and a bathroom with hot, running water and a toilet that flushes--posh--and it is costing us each $3 a night.

Getting here was definitely an adventure. After almost falling for a scam in Delhi (we got taken to a travel agency that lied to us told us there were no trains to where we were headed for 6 days and tried instead to ship us off to some place on a houseboat--for a large commission, I'm sure), we luckily had our wits about us enough to see through it. The next day we went to the train station in Delhi--which was complete chaos and so, so HOT (did I mention that?) and guess what? We booked an overnight train ticket for that night. Six days my ass--I wanted to go back and stand outside that travel agency and warn everyone going in that they were lying con artists, but, like many of the Buddhists believe, "karma is a bitch" (sorta Americanized that) and they will get what's coming.

We got an air-conditioned cabin on a first class car of the train. It was Tiff, me, and an older Indian couple. Tiff and I had the top bunks. We slept, rather uncomfortably most of the way--we had to share our little beds with our giant backpacks to be safe, so it was pretty tight. We met a really nice Israeli guy, Ohad, on the train who ended up traveling with us the rest of the way here. After 12 hours on the train, we landed in Pantakot and then got on a public bus for an additional 3 hours to reach McLeod Ganj. The bus was unairconditioned, and very full so it wasn't the most comfortable ride. I did see two monkeys out in the wild, one in a tree and the other just walking down the street--so cool. Cows and goats in the fields and monkeys in the trees. Each time we transferred buses Ohad would have to climb on top of the bus to retrieve our packs. I don't know what we would have done without him--Tiff and I were running on fumes by then, both with sinus infections, feeling so overwhelmed by Delhi that we needed someone to take care of us a little bit and he stepped in and took over--I think he could see the exhaustion written all over us. The good news, the total cost of the trip--train and bus, was $4.50.

When we arrived here, it felt sooooo much better. The sky, although it's not clear, it's not polluted. It's simply cloudy now. We are literally sitting in the clouds. We are at about 5000 ft. above sea level and the mountains are breathtaking. Things are quieter and with all of the monks and Tibetan culture there is a natural calm in the air. We ate dinner at a Japanese (ha!)restaurant with Ohad, found our hotel and totally crashed.

Today we woke up, went to the "chemist" (what we'd call a pharmacist) I got some amoxicillin, and met Ohad for breakfast. We walked through the two main streets, in and out of all of the adorable stores/stands looking at jewelry, clothes, home decor. I keep buying stuff to decorate my apartment when I get home (going to have to find an apartment when I get home...). I got 5 pillow covers for throw pillows on my couch--they are so pretty, hand woven, bold colors--I love them. And they cost me about $8 total. In the US, one would probably cost around $40, if you could even find them. I am going to have to ship the stuff I am buying home because there is no way I can add it to my pack with my books. And I fell in love with a rug--I am thinking about it for 24 hours to see if I still want it tomorrow, but I have a feeling my parents might be getting a large fedex from the Himalayas...

Not only did I fall in love with a rug, I also fell in love with a monk. We walked through the Dalai Lamas' temple today. They were beautiful grounds--paths through the mountains with prayer flags blowing in the wind and these large, round, hand painted and carved cans on sticks that you'd spin and it's believed that each one that you spin prayers that were said into the cans are being floated out into the air for you. Nice, eh? Toward the end of the walk we heard what sounded like a bunch of men yelling at each other--which is exactly what it was. Except, they weren't fighting. It was monks debating one another on their knowledge about the ultimate truths they've learned. And after each point was made, whoever made the point would clap his hands in this certain way, to say he was done. It was fascinating to watch. And the energy was indescribable. I have never really paid attention to the energy of a specific area--I've gotten good feelings or bad feelings about places, but the energy watching these monks was unlike anything I have ever experienced. They are so in touch with themselves and the world that they almost vibrate with awareness. I made eye contact with one of them and it shook me to the core. It was like he could see straight into me, I had to look away. But I wanted to keep staring. I didn't know how to act, I didn't want to be disrespectful, because these monks have taken vows of celibacy, and I didn't want him to think I was staring for "un-pure" reasons, but I wanted more--I wanted to keep taking it in. It is really hard to explain, some feelings you cannot really put into words. The best word I can think to describe it is that I was humbled. Totally and completely humbled.

After that we went inside the temple and saw where the Dahli Lama sits and teaches when he is in town (he's not here now). I was still shaken by the experience with the monks. It's been with me all day. It's gone from stunned, to contemplative, to a very happy and content feeling. This place has a wonderful vibe and I'm very glad we are here.

After the temple we went for our first official Tibetan lunch-- momos. Momos are dumpling-like things filled with veggies, cheese, potatoes, chicken, whatever you want. And the are so good. We split up from Ohad after lunch and went to a coffee shop with our books. Tiff read, but I couldn't. I can't stop watching the people around me. So many different people. Beggars everywhere, often with no hands or legs that don't work and are pushing themselves around on skateboards, many Indians (we are still in India, after all), travellers from all over the place, monks, nuns. Its incredible. So many different kinds of clothes, so many different beliefs, such different histories. I could have sat there all day and just watched. And having learned more about the story of Tibet--knowing that the majority of the Tibetan people we see walking down the street had to flee their country to stay alive, is yet another humbling thought. God willing, I will never understand the hell they have lived through.

Tomorrow we start belly dancing classes which we are super excited for. Tiff and I both love to dance and have had many years of dance training--but nothing official for years, so this is a treat. The teacher is, ironically, a friend of Tiffany's from her yoga school in Thailand (small world). We might also take a Tibetan cooking class so we can make momos when we get home!

Maybe I've fallen in love with this place so much because Delhi was so hard. But I don' think that's it. It really has a feeling about it. We've definitely landed here for a reason. And Tiff and I have had some really good talks lately that I want to get down in writing too, but I don't want to spend all my time in the internet cafes so I hope I can remember them!

I also found out last week that a good friend of mine has cancer. He had surgery the other day and from an email I got today it sounded like it was a success. He is waiting on more test results, but from the beginning I had a feeling that he is going to be just fine--for some reason I never felt scared for him. From what he has written, it sounds like he is also starting to question what's truly important when you can put all of the crap aside. For some it takes life altering events to ask these types of questions, for others it's just inherent, and for many they don't ask, they are content with life as it is and don't wonder why they are here, what it's all about, what their purpose is--I envy those people. It seems like a much easier way to live. For my friend, Matt, I just wanted him to know that when I spun the prayer cans today, I asked that the prayers be sent out for him--a speedy recovery and to keep going down the new path he has begun.

Matty--hurry up and get better, so you really can meet me in the jungle somewhere. You name the time and the place and I'll be there. Lots of love.

Namaste.

Perspective

I have to write this before it leaves my brain. I am so hot. And so tired. It is probably 120 degrees here in Delhi. It is the dirtiest place I have ever seen. When I blow my nose it comes out black--great for the cold. The sky is perpetually grey because of the mass amounts of pollution. People live and work and sit and eat and rest on top of trash on top of trash on top of trash-layers and layers. Cars drive in every direction, men stare at us as though they see right through our clothes, we see very few women, but there are cows in the middle of main roads. There is a scam around every corner and you have to be aware of yourself and your belongings at all times.

It is a complete assault an all of the senses. The smell of exhaust, smog, people, animals, food...the unbearable heat. I have never sweated like this in my entire life. I am soaked sitting here in an internet cafe. The cold water in the shower doesn't even really come out cold. We actually had a pretty good day despite the overwhelmingness of it all. We went to the travel place to book our train tickets to the North but it was closed. We had a fantastic rickshaw driver (these are like 3 wheeled open-air mini-car type things that are one of the main ways to get around. They are much cheaper than taxis) and he offered to take us on a driving tour of Delhi, so we sat back, sweated our asses off and spent 2 hours getting an insiders view of important places for a visitor to see. More interesting than any of the places he showed us were the things that he doesn't even see anymore. Like a woman carrying a huge pile of bricks on her head. Or the man asleep on top of his ice-cream cart. Or the mass piles of trash everywhere. I gotta get outta here soon cause its so hot (our room actually has AC), but my point of writing is this:

When I get home, I hope to God that I can remember every second of being in Dehli. There is nothing easy about living here. It is so incredibly crowded, dirty and hot. When I start to get frustrated about Columbus traffic, or pissed that my cell phone lost reception again, or annoyed that "he" (whoever that may be) did not call yet, I'll think of Delhi. Cause in one second my perspective will completely shift. I can say it over and over, but it's like I still haven't digested how true it is--our lives are so easy. Yes, we have problems, but the stuff we let ourselves get worked up about on a daily basis...lord. It's bad.

Tiff and I were talking about how what we have to be careful of when we get home is to not get frustrated with others frustrations. Like, if one of my friends is frustrated because they had to wait a half hour at a restaurant before they were sat for dinner, or Grey's Anatomy is a rerun, or their husband came home from work late and dinner was ruined...we can't be like "what are you worrying about??! You have NO IDEA what its like in other parts of the world. Just be happy you have dinner- period!!!"

We'd be really annoying. And, ultimately that is us thinking we know more or better--when really we just have gained a different perspective. A lot less will bother me when I get home--at least on a smaller scale. I honestly don't know how they do it. I do not know how they live here. I always ask myself, why don't they leave? Move? Go someplace cooler or less crowded? And then I think--is that even an option? Do they perceive that as an option? Where would they go? Is it hard for them to live here? Are they happy? Is it even about that? Or are they just so used to it that this is life from their perspective...and maybe it's not so bad.

I dunno. I think the heat is getting to me. My fingers are going as fast as my head and I don't know what I am writing anymore.

Damn. I am in India. India is hot.