The Me's

Authors Note: I wrote this post over almost 2 months and published it, to find out later that day that it really wasn't yet public knowledge. Although the news had a major effect on me, I did not feel like it was my news to share. So I removed the post and waited for a more appropriate time to post it. I've since talked to Leslie and he told me that he was planning on telling me the news himself, but did not want to do it through email. So I've made some additional edits, and looking back now, I think this news has helped me to continue closing the door of my past and opening more and more to the life that is in front of me. Which certainly isn't half bad! I am also posting this because I truly do not have time to write about my parent's visit, my mugging, and the beautiful town of Alberobello that I am planning because I have two finals due by April 24th. So I thought in the meantime, I could use this post which was one of my hardest to write, and meant so much to me...

Last Thursday I got some shocking news. My ex-husband is going to be a father. Upon hearing this, my hands started shaking and I kept thinking "what do I do? what do I do??" Lucky for me Jenn was online and I told her what I had just found out. Her calmer head prevailed and she said "Don't react right now Maggie, just sit with it for a bit." And really, what could I do anyway? She knows me well enough to know that my mind had already reacted in a thousand different ways in a matter of a few seconds and she was warning me about acting on any of those initial reactions. She was right of course. Nothing good would come of acting on any of my feelings. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get a hold of them. Here's a breakdown of my mental functioning at that time and over the course of that week:

Shocked Me was thinking: "What? This can't be right. Did I understand him correctly? (And by him, I do not mean Leslie). I found out by accident from a friend of a friend over instant messenger. This friend assumed I already knew. I didn't.

Sad Me was thinking: "Why her? Why now? We were together for almost 6 year. Married for 4. Why not me?"

Angry Me was thinking: "Jesus man, couldn't you at least let the f*cking ink dry on the divorce papers?"

Indifferent Me was thinking: "Not my problem anymore."

Ex-wife Me was thinking: "How is he going to support a child? Is he going to marry her? What about soccer?"

Mature Me was thinking: "I wish him all the best. He's great with kids."

And for the following few days the different "Me's" fought with each other about which feeling was the "right" one--the justified one. Sad Me would replay our times together and think about how we had our favorite name picked out for a girl. We did for a boy too, but our friends had a baby first and got to it before us. So we were still thinking about a boy. At the beginning of our marriage he used to joke that we had to start soon because he wanted 11 kids so he could have his very own soccer team. I'd remind him that it might not be the greatest team seeing that there would be a pretty big age disparity between the oldest and youngest. He said he could work around it. Sad Me would then envision him with a new family, new little soccer players, and a life where I am nothing but a distant memory.

Then out of the blue Angry Me would come in, slap Sad Me silly and start thinking "He couldn't even tell you himself? You had to hear it from someone twice removed? Has nothing changed?? (this was before Leslie and I spoke. He has since told me that he wanted to tell me over the phone or in person...which would be difficult, considering we haven't seen each other in a year and a half). But, I know the thought of telling me was really hard for him. Angry Me was also ranting: "The baby is due in June. Our divorce was final in December. I can do the math..." (this shouldn't have bothered me seeing that I had clearly moved on too, but it did). Leslie and I have not talked about "us" or what happened between us for a long time. He's told me that he doesn't think about the breakdown of our marriage much because it's too hard. Sometimes I wish could do that more; have the ability to compartmentalize. But I guess at some point you have to deal with it. Otherwise I suspect it will keep coming back in one form or another until you do, as though your life is on 'repeat.' When Angry Me would get fired up she would start to drudge up all of the unpleasant memories of the past, namely the last 2 years of our marriage and get pissed about history all over again. Angry Me can be pretty vocal. But I've been careful not to air anything but the laundry "blowing-in-the-Italian-wind-on-a-clothespin" on this blog. I've done my best to keep it about me and what I am experiencing. But, for the record, Angry Me could be a super-mega bitch. I needed that from her, or else Sad Me would have been a soppy mess all too often.

When Angry Me was about to explode was usually when Indifferent Me would come strolling in. "Hey Angry Me, relax. That is your past. None of this is your concern anymore. It's no longer something you have to worry about. Focus on today instead. No point in killing yourself over something you have absolutely no control. Plus, are you being fair? You've certainly moved on too..."

And over Indifferent Me's shoulder Ex-Wife Me would be chirping "How is this possible? Where are they going to live? What if he makes a team in the US? Is he still going to keep trying with soccer? Doesn't she have another child? Is he going to be a dad to TWO kids? Maybe I know someone who could help him to....I hope he's ready for this.... "

Indifferent Me would look at Ex-Wife me with a mixture of sympathy and annoyance and say "Can't you hear me? This is no longer your problem. He is not your husband, and it's not your responsibility to make sure he is ok. In fact, back when you were Wife Me, instead of Ex-Wife Me maybe that was part of your problem. You can't fix everything. Other people have to figure things out for themselves. Just like you have."

And then just for a second Mature Me would grace everyone with her presence. "Me's, listen to ME. Remember, despite all you've been through you love this man. You don't want to see him struggle, you want to see him happy. But Indifferent Me is right, if he is to struggle, his struggles are now his own. All you can do is pray that he is learning as much as you are by going through this."

Usually about this time is when Shocked Me would come rolling in loud and unexpected "WHAT? He's having a BABY???" And the cycle begins all over again.

This is all part of the beauty of divorce--you find yourself with temporary Multiple Personality Disorder. You question all you feel. You aren't sure if your feelings are justified anymore. You don't know what you are "allowed" to say. Your feelings change at such a rapid fire pace that sometimes you think "Am I happy? I know I was a second ago..."

And, to be completely honest, I'm not totally shocked by the news. I can recall a conversation that Leslie and I had about a year ago, shortly after we split. He was in the airport having just arrived back in the US after being on a tryout in China. I could tell he was in a rough place emotionally by the dullness in his voice. He said something along these lines: "I felt so alone when I was in China. It was the first time I realized that I really want a child. A child loves you no matter what. You never have to worry about them not being in your life, because they will be in your life forever. The relationship never ends, no matter what." I was shocked, and for once, had very little to say. I could have pulled out the "that would have been nice for you to decide WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER." But it wasn't the time for sarcasm. He was serious. And it was at that moment that I first thought to myself, "He's going to have a baby soon." I also had a dream a few months ago that he was pregnant (yeah, like he, himself had a baby growing in him). The feelings were so real that I asked his sister if it was true (not him being pregnant...you know what I mean). At that time it wasn't. But, I knew it was coming. (It's not the first time I've had a 'real' dream, right Amy?) But despite being a little bit prepared, it still knocked the wind out of me. It's like knowing your dog is eventually going to die, but when it happens that knowledge doesn't make it any easier.

What I've learned from this situation is: 1) Maybe I wasn't as far along as I thought. I felt like I was moving forward pretty well and... WHAM! this hit like a Mack truck. 2) I'd been holding on to Leslie. Not in a way in which I want to be with him. I don't. At all. Let me give an example to hopefully explain better. I'd been really hesitant about writing this blog out of fear it might upset him (I know, I KNOW). I had to ask myself why I cared so much if he was upset. He's no longer a part of my everyday life; I don't have to worry about coming home to him being pissed at me. It's as though this way of thinking has been so programmed in me-- trying NOT to upset him (in fear of losing him) that I still function in that way, forgetting that it's no longer possible for me to lose him. The relationship still had a hold on part of me, and by extension, part of my life. After being with someone for so long, I would imagine it is pretty normal to still feel a connection. But, for my own sake, I had to work on letting go of that because somehow, subconsciously, I've allowed that hold to continue. 3) There is no way I would want to trade places with Leslie or the mother of his child. 4) Paolo is most understanding man I've ever met. The day after I found out, I was about ready to crawl out of my skin. I needed to be alone, to sort out "The Me's." My brain was functioning on all circuits and nothing was making sense. Trying to think about the current relationship in front of me was damn near impossible. Instead of that hurting him and him taking it personally, he asks me if I needed to take a weekend away, if I needed some space from him and some time to myself. He gets it. I don't know how, but he does.

That day I went for a long walk on the beach by myself. I climbed up a large sand dune and sat down. I leaned back on my elbows and tried to force myself to think. "Ok, you are alone now, think. THINK! Figure this out. Land on a feeling. Make sense of it." But my mind was blank. All I could see was the vast turquoise sea and the never ending sky.

It was then I began to realize it was all ok. All I felt. All of it was ok, justified. My feelings were my feelings. I don't have to apologize for them, I don't have to stifle or hide them, and I don't have to act on them. I just have to accept them, and keep plugging away at my new life. It's all any of us can do. As I sat there in the setting Italian sun I realized there was really nothing left for me to figure out.

Divorce

I just read Jenn's blog about the movie 27 Dresses, and how it basically teaches all of the female audience members that they will not be truly happy until they are "the better half" of a happy couple. I was planning on writing my blog about a typical day for me in Otranto, but after reading that, I thought I should put a big damper on the "a woman's not happy without a man" topic and instead, I've decided to write about a much more light and happy subject--divorce. A woman's not always happy with a man...

In talking to my counselor and also from what I have learned in my classes, divorce is one of the hardest events that someone can go though, only second to the death of a spouse or child. I can't imagine ever having to go through either of those things, and my heart breaks for those that have had to live through it. But I do think there is the possibility for there to be a bit more peace in death, because your love for them is pure, your missing and hurting is true and clear, and there was absolutely nothing you could do about it. It was out of your control. With divorce it is different, it's messy and confusing--and hardest of all, it is a choice. It's either choosing to no longer be with the person you thought you were going to spend your life with, or that person choosing to no longer spend their life with you. Whatever side you wind up on, it's hard as hell. You know that the person that you were once closest to, is still walking on this earth, continuing on with his/her life, and you are no longer a major part of it. You are no longer part of it at all.

On December 3rd, I went to court by myself to finalize everything. Leslie was in Trinidad, so it was considered an uncontested divorce, and was scarily simple. We split everything on our own terms (we didn't have a ton of stuff, just our bank accounts, the condo, and what was in it), signed some papers, he waived his right to be there, and I went with my mom (because you have to have a witness). We got to the couthouse early, in hopes that we could get in and out of there, and ended up waiting for almost 2 hours. As we were waiting I watched the other soon-to-be-uncoupled couples interact--it was so bizarre. One couple, who looked to be about the same age as me, were also there without lawyers. She arrived first, looking at her watch and rolling her eyes. He showed up 20 minutes later and they sat next to each other and started reviewing their paperwork. The dynamic was such a odd mixture--the familiarity was obviously one of two people who were once very close, they sat so close that their legs were touching. Yet, at the same time the hostility between them was also very apparent. I kept thinking to myself, "Right now they are married. When they walk out of that room they no longer will be. Huh. And, right now I am married. When I walk out of that room I no longer will be." Even though I kept telling myself that, I could not wrap my brain around it...

I finally got called into the courtroom, where we had to wait some more, for another proceeding that involved lawyers and custody discussions. I happend to be sitting next to the husband before they got called up and I heard him lean over to his lawyer and say "I can't believe this is really happening. It's so surreal." I hadn't cried all morning, but that nearly did it to me. He was right. It is surreal. How does that happen to 2 people? How can you stand across the courtroom from the person you are married to as though they are a total stranger?

The judge then called my name--my married name. I went up and stood in front of him with my mom at my side. He asked some questions--I don't really remember what they were, but one stuck in my mind "You've cited irreconsilable differences, so this means you've done everything in your power and the marriage can no longer work?" "Yes." I gulped, as the tears formed in my eyes. I think he saw that I was on the verge of losing it, took pity, and signed the papers.

I walked out of the courtroom in a daze. We got in the car and I turned on my cell phone. There was a message from Leslie. It wasn't until that minute that I broke down. The man on that message was no longer my husband. He was just Leslie. I was just Maggie, and he was just Leslie. No longer "The Fitzpatrick's", "Mags and Les," no longer a "we" or an "us." Just Maggie. And just Leslie. Ugh.

I know that we did the right thing. And with time, that is becoming more and more clear. I'm ok with being "just Maggie"...and, like the girl in 27 dresses, I too feel happy when I am part of a couple. But, I am learning how to also feel happy in those times when I am not part of one. And oddly, as I figure that out, the happiness I've found within "coupledom" has been much more fulfilling.

Closure

Closure...what is this elusive idea?? Some kind of miracle event that will be able to close the door on the past, that will somehow neatly clean up the mess, that will provide you with what you need to move forward?

Whoever came up with this idea obviously has not endured any trauma in his life, or he would know that this idea is just that--ideal...but certainly not a reality.

You always hear about the families of victims of violent crimes, and how once the criminal is in prison for the crime they've committed against the family member, then the family has gotten the closure they needed...

What??

That is simply everyone else telling them that now the bad man is behind bars that it will be easier for them to move on...bullshit. They still have to wake up every morning feeling good, until they remember what's happened; then the nightmare continues--long after justice has been served.

We tend to do that, we tell people things to make ourselves feel better, because we don't like to think about them in pain. Like with me, when I was going through hell, you wouldn't believe how many times I heard "At least you have school to take your mind off things..." riiiight, you try reading Abnormal Psych when you are at your lowest of lows...it took me 25 minutes to read one page, and when I was done, I had no idea what I had just read. But yeah, it's a great thing I had school...

A friend of mine lost her husband, and she heard, on a daily basis, "It's great that you have grandchildren that you can spend time with..." as though they could replace her husband of 35 years.

Both of us knew and appreciated that our friends were trying to be helpful and point out the positives in our lives, but really at a time like that, there is nothing that takes the sting off. There is only time. There is no magic potion, secret solution, drug, prayer...nothing that will cure the pain. A switch does not flip--"Oh! I've got closure!" and then you are happy. There is only time.

And even with time, you have forever changed, whether it be for better or worse, you are a little more leery, a little more tentative, protected, guarded, whatever you want to call it. You know the pain of losing someone who is such a major presence in your life, and the thought of it happening again is terrifying...and exhausting. Why would you subject yourself to that again?

But, in time, you can start to understand why. You can start to see colors again, and you slowly, slowly become less numb. Things begin to taste, smell and feel again...a little of the guard begins to melt away. And now, what you can contribute to someone else's life is probably so much more than you could have ever offered them before. Because you have this new layer of understanding, this empathy that you never realized. Not only within a relationship, but also friendships, family, and even working relationships. You just get it a little bit more. And that does help to take the sting off...

But, this new you that emerges is scarred, and will be for a long time. There is no closure, there is no quick fix. Divorce papers, a prison sentence, grandchildren...sure, they may help, they may be a band-aid, or a catalyst for forward progress, but if it's peace-of-mind you are looking for, you will be sorely disappointed. This can only come with time and learning. Learning from the loss, from the pain, from the mistakes. Learning that inside you have happiness, it is just a matter of finding it again. And it may take time--a lot of time. But for right now, all you can do is keep going, keep moving forward, trying not to look back too much in the process. Happiness isn't always easy, sometimes you really have to fight for it. But it's definitely a fight worth fighting.

Forgiveness

Right before I fell asleep the other night a thought popped into my head. It wasn't like a thought that I came up with on my own, instead it was like someone else telling it to me. The thought was:

"You did the best you could with the tools you had."

I didn't know where it came from, or really what it was about, I just thought, huh, that was strange and quickly fell asleep. The next morning Tiffany and I went to our favorite place for breakfast. We were sitting there quietly and suddenly tears started pouring out of my eyes. I had no control over it and had no idea where they were coming from. I wasn't feeling sad or upset, or even really happy for that matter. Luckily I was with Tiff, and she didn't think it was at all weird, so she allowed me to cry as I tried to figure out where the tears were coming from and why they wouldn't stop.

Then the thought from the night before came back to me. And it all became crystal clear. For so long I have killed myself with questions like "why didn't I do this differently... how could he do that...why did I act that way...why didn't he understand...why couldn't I hear what he was saying...how could we hurt each other so badly when we loved each other so much?"

...we did the best we could with the tools we had.

We thought we were loving one another--and we were. The only way we knew how. And the way we knew how to love came with a very self-protective element, because, like I've mentioned before, we are terrified of getting hurt. What is amazing though, is the fear of getting hurt is SO MUCH worse than the actual pain itself. So this whipser of awareness that I recieved in the middle of the night allowed me to see that sometimes even when we have the very best intentions we still can't get it right...because we are not yet equipt with the tools to do so.

I don't feel like "if I only knew then what I know now" or "hindsight is 20/20" instead I feel like my life is playing out the way it is supposed to. This little whisper was a BIG lesson to learn, and apparently a very important one for me because I certainly had to learn it the hard way.

So the tears over breakfast were neither sad nor happy. They were tears of forgiveness. Forgivess for him, and more importantly, forgiveness for myself. We made mistakes, but not maliciously, instead,they were out of ignorance and fear. We did the best we could with the tools we had. And realizing that has allowed me to be able to let go more and more, and feel the freedom of this journey I am on.

And the journey I am referring to has nothing to do with traveling...

By myself

For the first time in my life, there is absolutely no man in the picture. Sure, some float in and out...and technically I am still married until paperwork is finished (legally, but certainly in no other way) but for the first time in I can't even remember how long, there are not even any prospects.

This is a somewhat scary feeling. But, apparently it's how it is supposed to be right now. Before I left, I was dating a wonderful guy. Unfortunately, there was absolutely no way for it to work out because I was piling all of the leftover, undealt with stuff from my marriage on to him. Not to mention, he had plenty of personal stuff to deal with himself--and he definitely was not ready for me and mine. Then I met Jeremy. Fell head over heels in a day. Talked myself back to reality, but was still pretty blown away by that one. I had maintained casual email contact with both of them but haven't heard from either of them for a while. At first I was thinking, well this sucks. It's nice to have a "potential someone." That person that you can think about while you are on a gross bus ride or before you go to bed.

Obviously, someone is watching over me saying "hellooo, Maggie--you are absolutely not ready for that. Stop it, stop it, stop it. Take care of yourself, let yourself heal and enjoy the freedom of being able to do whatever you want whenever you want (with whoever you want!)"

It is so ingrained in me that I need to have a significant other. But being on this trip, and seeing what I see on a daily basis, causes me to live in the moment, and not think about the future (or the past for that matter). Then when I realize, wow, it's been days, and I haven't been thinking about a man, or what I am going to do when I get home, where I am going to live (although wherever it is, it's going to be decorated so cute!). I hope when I do return, I can continue to do that. Immerse myself in new things, continue to learn about different people, and try to stay out of my head and work through my fears. We place so much emphasis on finding someone, that we miss all of the beautiful things that happen along the way. It's like relationship tunnel vision. And, from meeting each of these men, I've learned that if you are looking, it's not going to happen. When you are living is when it happens.

Tiffany and I got stuck in Bangkok for 2 days before we finally made it to India. Of course, the day before I left I met a really great guy--Dave. He is Welsh and is adorable. We hit it off, hung out my entire last night there. And this time around it was much easier to say "goodbye, it was fantastic to have spent this time with you, and I truly wish you the best." And if our paths cross again great, if not, fine. Back to me and my quest. When the time is right and I am really ready, it'll happen. I just have to not let the societal norms weigh on me and feel unnecessary pressure to have a significant other. I'm not going to try to fit a square peg into a round hole, just to have someone. I know what I want this time around and I think I have the patience to find it. In the meantime, the Jeremys and Daves are great to meet. There is a part of each of them that I hope to find in "him."

But for now, being by myself is just fine. Being by myself feels very different than being alone.

Alone

It`s my last day in Kyoto, and its cold and rainy. I was supposed to go visit Nanzen-ji Temple and walk the Philosophers Path today with a guy from New Zealand that I met last night, but mother nature put a damper on those plans. So instead, I`m just sitting here in my little apartment feeling very much alone. I can`t watch TV, because I don`t understand a word of it, and quite frankly it`s bizarre--I guess I don`t get the Japanese sense of humor, where watching people eat weird stuff is entertaining...but who am I to judge, when the US has such quality shows, like "Wife Swap..."

It`s in these quiet moments, when I can`t just pick up the phone and call home (since its 4am) that I ask myself, "What in the hell are you doing?" The answer...traveling around the world. Which leads to my next question. Why? Because I have the money to actually do it. Why? Because I sold the condo in Salt Lake. Why? Because I am getting divorced.

Oh.

And just like that the reality of my messy life comes crashing down on me, overwhelming. Sure, this is an experience of a lifetime, but I`d change it all in a heartbeat if I could go back in time, figure out what went wrong and fix it. This is the last thing I ever wanted, but somehow I did my part in creating it. Do we do that? Manifest the very things we fear the most so we have to face them and learn how to deal with them? Now, I am fully aware that I cannot be responsible for anyone else`s actions, but I do truly believe that we create most things that happen to us, whether its on a conscious level or not. So subconsciously, I must really have it out for myself...

It`s times like this that I have to believe it is all happening the way it is supposed to. Maybe the lesson I am learning is how to be alone and be OK with it. That giving yourself completely to someone else, although in theory is supposed to be a good thing, really isn`t. It is one thing to be selfless, it`s another to be self-less. It`s terrifying to wake up and think your life is headed in one direction and suddenly it takes a sharp turn and all your left with is you. And who is that? God knows. Apparently, I think the answer is going to be found under a rock in India or something...but really, honestly, I know the answer is right here with me all the time. It`s just facing it, looking at it head on, and then holding on to it, so as to not let it go ever again.

There are so many questions. Is my life going backwards when everyone else`s is moving forwards? Will I be able to do things differently in the future? What if this happens again? What the hell am I doing?

Oh, yeah. Traveling around the world. Looking for me...under a rock in India. Trying to find what I know is there but has been buried for so long. Trying to understand that everything I need, I already have--no other person will be able to give it to me, and if I look to someone to do that, then I will find myself back here all over again.

Alone.

The Mantra

So I am in the middle of writing a paper (that's due at midnight tonight) and it brought up so many unrelated thoughts that I wanted to get those down in writing too. These psychology papers tend to do that. I start thinking and stray waaaay far from what I am supposed to be writing. Sometimes I think that's what the professors want us to do-- the courses seem to be as much about self-exploration and discovery as they are about the content of the course.

Since I sent out my first blog I have received such awesome responses, reminding me what wonderfully supportive friends I have. It was so great to hear from all of you. But, I also got a lot of "What in the world is going on with you???" emails. I guess I shoulda thought about how this would probably throw some of you for a loop if I haven't talked to you personally for a while.

So let me rewind a bit... My life has changed pretty drastically in the past six months. After 7 years in advertising, I've decided to go back to school for my Master's in Counseling Psychology. Naturally, right? I'm enrolled in a 2.5 year program at Seton Hall University, and can do the majority of my classes remotely. I graduate spring of '09, and will then have to become licensed (so I can be reimbursed by insurance companies). Ultimately, I'd like to have a private practice, but that'll take a while to build. I'm not even sure what type of counseling I want to focus on yet--marriage and family, mental health, addictions, etc...maybe this trip will help bring some clarity to those types of questions.

Sadly, after almost 4 years of marriage, Leslie and I are no longer together. I moved back to Columbus from Salt Lake in December. Since then I've been living with my parents...uh, yeah. Love you mom and dad. But still...yeah. I'm 29 going on 16 right now.

I went to visit Tiffany in Thailand in Dec/Jan for a much needed vacation. She’s been living there for the past 5 months (A whole separate blog...) and has invited me to do some traveling with her. She's on a 2 yr trip around the world and things have miraculously fallen into place to allow me the time and the means to join her for a bit. Leslie and I sold our condo in Salt Lake so I am taking part of the profit to fund my trip. (Had to be responsible and save some of it for school loans...) Incidentally, the lease on my car is up and my second semester is ending, all at the end of the month. (Although a new one starts a week later, so it’s going to take some serious discipline to keep up on my school work while traveling) But really, timing couldn’t be better.

Needless to say, sometimes I still feel like my head is spinning. So that's where this paper I am writing and my in-a-nutshell recent history tie together. My paper is a Career Conceptualization paper--where I am supposed to take a counseling theory and apply it to how I got to where I am right now career-wise. Ha! Career?? I am currently working 25 hours a week at a bank... and I am complete mess when it comes to all things finance. (Thank God the people I work with are fantastic and very patient with me.)

Anyway, in researching theories I came across one called the LifeCareer Process Theory. It basically states that life is your career and your job is simply a part of it. It goes a lot more in depth, but that's pretty much the gist. The theory, created by Anna Miller-Tiedman, talks about rolling with all life throws at you rather than trying to fight it. It suggests that all decisions (career and otherwise) whether you believe them to have been good or bad are ultimately good because you've learned something from them. And by trying to plan too much just adds undue worry since life is going to deal you what it chooses despite how in control you think you are. (This lady is a genius!)

Since I have been back in Ohio, my friend Jenn has been my single biggest support, as she is going through the exact same thing I am. There have been many days we've had to pick each other up-- almost literally, and talk one another off the proverbial ledge. But one thing we constantly remind each other is:

"You are exactly where you are supposed to be."

Our mantra. I mean think about it. If you live life with that in mind it certainly helps to alleviate some of the unnecessary stress that we put on ourselves. If we are at our happiest, saddest, most scared, or bored, it's the exact necessary state we need to be in--because like the theory infers, we're going through that state, at that time, for a reason. So if we make a bad decision we shouldn't dwell on it or beat ourselves up because ultimately it will lead to having to make more decisions, one eventually ending in satisfaction. And all of it, the happiest and saddest times, the best and worst decisions lead to heightened awareness and hopefully some nuggets of wisdom as to what to do next time we are faced with something that feels insurmountable.

So I guess instead of looking at this trip as an opportunity to run away from reality, I should look at it as an opportunity to start a new reality. Maybe I can't see the reason for being where I am right now, but if I trust my new philosopher friend, Dr. Miller-Tiedman, then I should just accept it. And if I am accepting it, I may as well make the most of it, right??

Whew. Ok. A little of where my life is right now, and a little of where my head is. Back to my paper...